Dear Reader,

I guess there's no better way to get back into the blogging game than to jump in and get dirty.  Here we go.

I've alluded to some things that have kept me from wanting to blog, because of their personal nature. This is one of them.  As best as I figure, four years ago yesterday, I spoke with one of my best friends for the last time.  I've spoken to her since, but it's always been a one-sided conversation.  Four years ago, my friend and co-worker died from a drug overdose.  I think that's about all I want to say about that right now.  What I do want to say is how much I miss her.  It seems to be this awful, weird kind of routine where I build up enough scar tissue to feel "normal", but then something wears it down, and the pain and loneliness comes right back. 

For the past few years, I've gone back through my work emails to try to lay down a timeline of what happened when.  Today, I charted it out when I spoke to her last.  I was working in the CR, and was surprised to get a phone call from her, it being her "weekend."  The week prior, we'd been talking about the Twilight movie series, and how the final film had just been released to theaters.  I encouraged her to go all out, buy the expensive tickets for the 3D sound and moving chairs and whatnot, because why not?  It was the final film of the series.  Anyway, she'd just gotten done watching the movie, and called me at work to thank me for encouraging her to go all the way with the fancy tickets.  I thought nothing more of it, knowing that I'd get tortured with all the play-by-play details when I saw her again when we both worked.

That day never came. 

Melissa, I miss you.  I love you and I wish we had more time to talk about and laugh at stupid stuff.  I wish I could pester you more about needing to watch the Star Wars movies... and maybe even relent and watch your silly Twilight movies.  I wish you were still here.

Dear Reader,

Hey there!  Are ya a little bit confused right now?  Are you not able to find me at the .com address?  Yeah, there's a reason for that.  That was a service that I'd been subscribed to for a few years, and I just didn't re-up this year.  I think I'm going to try and get back into the game with the blogging activity, but just the free route for now.

Back when I got the .com address, I think I had some pretty solid plans as to what I wanted Sinister Coffee to be.  Then some serious life issues happened, like my heart attack, and I had a bit of an attitude change.  Most of it, I can't really get into right now, without really shaking up certain aspects of my life.  So, I hope you'll just accept that for now.

But, never you fear!  I have the desire to keep stuff happening, and I might have a few ideas of how to keep things current here now. 

So, this is what's going on... The TL:DR would be that Google started changing things up with their services, and I didn't want to play their game anymore; I'm just too technologically inept, I guess.  But I want to keep things up here, so just keep watching!

Dear Reader,

I'm still here... I'm still around.  Yeah, I know that it's been a month or two since I wrote last.  But know this... the calendar by my desk here in Sinister Coffee Studios hasn't been changed since February.  I do things at my own pace, darn it!

It's been a weird day, but that in itself is a good thing.  Yeah, it's September 11th, and the fifteenth anniversary since the attacks on the World Trade Towers, the Pentagon and of Flight 93.  It feels like so much time has passed that there should be a certain level of closure that has occurred.  And yes, I think there is, at least for me.  But then, I work at the SLC International Airport.  That has it's own weight that comes down on everybody. 

This year, as has happened every year since the attacks, the TSA held a minute of silence/remembrance at the moment when the first flight crashed into the first tower.  It's an eerie experience for the busy, bustling airport to go silent.  I appreciate that this is something that's still observed. 

I guess I'm not quite ready to let go of the fear and sadness and uncertainty that was such a jolt to our systems so many years ago.  I appreciate now that I can go to my office and reflect in silence.  I take these moments to think about how I felt and how I reacted in the past, and how I want to proceed with my life from that time on.  It's good to slow down and appreciate what I have, knowing that it's really only possible to think this way after realizing what all we've lost.

Dear Reader,

This is happening.  It is happening now, and I'm going to publish something.  There are a couple unpublished posts that got started, but I ran out of steam or energy or courage to keep them going.  This one is going to be different.

It's not been a good couple of weeks.  There are family issues happening, work issues happening, humanity keeps showing off how awfully we treat each other... This has gotten me down in a fairly serious funk.  I go to work... I do my shopping... I try to operate as normal, but there's an anxiety lurking behind the scenes that I haven't been able to shake.  It would be wonderful if I had a secret to share, of how I broke past the funk and am now coping wonderfully with everything.  But that's the thing... Shitty things keep happening in the world around me, and it makes me sad.  Why do we do it?  You can stand behind your assorted ideologies... well, not YOU, dear Reader, but you get my drift, right? Political; religious; sociological; economical... take your pick. If you want, you've got your justification ready for you...

And I can't tell you how to connect the dots from that paragraph above to how I am coping right now, but somehow I've decided that I need to forget what everybody is trying to tell me.  I know what's right and good, and I'm just going to strive to be nice to people.  I'm making a conscious effort to be pleasant and understanding and patient.  So, here's to trying, right?

Dear Reader.

So, the best way to get into writing is to write about something you know.  That's the approach I'm going to take today.  And the topic I feel I know a bit about is my job.

I've been working at the Salt Lake International Airport for a company called HMS Hosts for just a touch over eight years now.  We manage about half of the food places throughout the airport, but I think I've got one of the cake jobs.  I'm in Accounting, where I stay in an office setting, away from the hustle and bustle of the travelers and other workers out there.  I don't think I'd trade that job for any other, inside my company or out, for anything. 

And while there are lots of perks to my job... one of the best things is just watching people.  There is the potential for lots of drama while people are working their way through TSA screening, but once their through, they can settle down a bit.

That said, I have seen the police throwing the handcuffs on unruly passengers.  Don't be fooled, TSA is one thing, but those police officers are full-fledged enforcers of the law, and they will send you to jail if you deserve it.  Nothing will ruin your vacation or your business trip faster than having to bail out of jail before you even get started.

And lastly, I'm routinely the only person in my office.  This is awesome because I can listen to the radio or whatever music I wish.  This means that I can... and have listened to the "Hamilton" soundtrack more than is probably healthy.  But I do it and sing along with no shame whatsoever.

Can you do that at your job?

Last week, the Accounting Staff had lunch with our Fearless Leader.  She picked her favorite place to take us in the Airport, and we sat down for an hour+ and hung out, ate some really good food for airport fare, and talked.  Lunch can seem like a really formal affair, but when it's just us, it's pretty laid back.  Fearless Leader takes a genuine interest in us.  I guess it can be a fine line, between boss and employees, but I'd say that our crew is as close as real friends as our working relationship can allow.  That sounds odd, but I hope that idea conveys correctly.  Anyhow, when Fearless Leader asks me what interesting recipes I've tried lately, or if I'd done anything with my blog lately, she really cares about my answers.  I told her that I'd just let Sinister Coffee sit and do nothing for an awful long time, and she just accepted that answer... no judgement.  But this time, I felt a little twinge of guilt.  So, this is an attempt to try and get things going.  I'm going to try and make this work again.  I'm really going to try.

The trouble, or maybe the opportunity I face is that I don't have a good focus on what to write about.  I think of who I was when I started this blog... sooooo many years ago... and I've changed quite a bit.  Some of the changes, I'm pretty comfortable and happy with, and others, I'm a little unsure of or maybe scared about talking about.  Hopefully writing about what I'm happy or comfortable with will help me understand the other stuff, too.

So, while I play around with some ideas, take a moment and check out this song... Be As You Are, by Mike Posner.  This song is wonderful and beautiful and quite likely uncharacteristic of what I usually listen to.  But a good song is a good song...